A Letter to the Sun
by furryboi4u
Summary: Masaomi writes a letter to his best friend. The one he left. The one he misses. MsMk, SPOILERS, slight AU.


Hey, Mikado, what if our worlds were totally different? What if I was from some dark corner of the universe, and you were like the sun itself...? What if I relied on you to live?

What if, once we met and our fingers twisted together, I was hanging off a ledge, and you were the only thing keeping me up?

Without my sunshine, I'd freeze over and become dormant...right? I figure it's like that. I bet that's when I lost my heart. When I left.

But since you're here, you're gonna heat me up again, right? And get me moving. And it'll be like I never left at all, except - it'll be just the two of us like this, in this new world.

It's like Saitama was home to both of our worlds, and they were way too different to coincide. So I left to see if my world became better...but it just got worse. So I asked you to come, because things worked well enough then. And here, in Ikebukuro, it's perfect. Like our worlds became one to form this, a perfect whirlwind of passion and temperance and fire and ice and day and night and heart and soul.

Have you ever thought of it that way, Mikado? I get thoughts like that a lot, when I'm trying to sleep. That's how I figure it is. I like that thought, that we can't survive without each other. I like it a lot, but it's okay if you don't.

It's really hard to put into words without sounding super cheesy, but that's how it is. I'll stop trying to make it sound like it's not, is that okay?

After I left, my world was really empty. Sometimes I wonder if your world was that empty too. Sometimes I wonder if it was always that empty, but we just never realized it, because our worlds were side by side then. And then when one went away, we realized how empty they really were.

My world was like a void. If anything went in, it never came back out. My heart was the only thing to escape, I think. It missed having your world so close. I think it went to find you, but it got lost on the way. I bet you found it on the train to Ikebukuro, didn't you? And you brought it with you to give it back to me. But a lot of me was missing from it.

You didn't realize it then, though, so it's okay. You didn't have to find the missing parts - I got those back now. I think they were hiding in your heart.

Sometimes I wonder if your world was what made mine feel alright. If only one of our worlds were empty, it was mine, and yours made it feel more full. Sometimes I wonder if you even noticed something was lacking from your surroundings after I was gone - if your world realized its neighbour wasn't there.

Its kind of sad, that sort of thought- wondering if you actually missed me as much as you say you did. I don't doubt you or anything, so don't think it's something like that - it's just something I think about sometimes. You really did have a lot of friends, even if I was the one who introduced you... You stuck close even after I was gone, right? I hope you did.

Because Loneliness sucks.

Looking at my world and my life and where I was, I realized that. It hurts, Loneliness. It's like a girl who wears heels a lot, but she also knows some kinda martial arts, so she could probably stab you in the crotch with her foot if you're not careful. That really probably kind of ruined all the serious stuff I just said, but whatever - that's how I think of it, if it was like a physical pain.

So I flipped Loneliness off and made friends. At school, around the city, whatever - where ever there was people who'd have me. I was like the linchpin then - people who normally wouldn't spare each other a single glance in the hallway became best friends when I arrived. They didn't deny I was the linchpin, either - they all really looked up to me, even though I was new to the city. But even though I had all those friends who were like that, I felt like I wasn't really somebody. I was just some guy walking down the sidewalk. No one knew me.

So I changed that.

I started wearing that yellow scarf your mom gave me when I moved - she said you helped her pick it out. She told me it was because yellow reminded you of me and my big old smile and my big old eyes. Wearing it was the first step to becoming somebody. That way, when I walked down the sidewalk, or into shops or restaurants, people who also walked down those sidewalks and into those shops or restaurants wouldn't say, "It's a kid". They'd say, "That's the kid who always wears the scarf, even in summertime!" That was the first step to getting recognized in my new home.

My friends followed my lead - all wearing yellow, not necessarily as a scarf. Some of them wore hats, some socks, some shirts, some jackets, some wristbands... I don't really know how that turned into a colour gang, but soon we were Yellow Scarves. My world was starting to brighten up - it wasn't really just a void anymore. It was still dark and still pretty empty, but it was getting there.

It was just middle school. We weren't really a serious gang or anything. We were just a bunch of friends being dumb and trying to be someone. We were all sort of fucked up in one way or another. I was fucked up because I was alone, even with all my friends. Even though we talked a lot over the internet and through text, me and you were still separate. It sucked. Nothing felt right without you there, by my side. I couldn't get ice cream from the street vendor without thinking, 'If Mikado was here, I bet he'd want strawberry'. Before I realized it, I had asked for strawberry instead of chocolate like I was going to. I didn't mind much, because that meant I wasn't forgetting you.

It's a scary thought, that I might have forgotten you one day.

I don't want to forget you.

So I won't.

I do at least one thing that reminds me of you each day. That way, I'll never forget. Sometimes, I'll just sit down and read something. Whenever I do, I can always hear your voice nearby, saying something like, 'Wow, Kida-kun, you're actually reading? And it's not a magazine? Is the apocalypse coming early or something?' And then I hear you laugh, and I smile to myself, and I almost go to answer -

But then I realize, you aren't actually there. You're not actually making fun of me for reading. You're not actually laughing. And I'm just missing you too much. And I just keep reading, even though my fingers are itching to call you, or get on the chatroom and see if you're there, waiting for me. But I don't; I just read. And I pretend I'm reading a book of the history of my life, and the words change from 'Mary laughed and wrapped her arm around her best friend's shoulder' to 'Masaomi laughed and wrapped his arm around his best friend's shoulder'.

After Masaomi wrapped his arm around his best friend's shoulder, he probably cracked a horrible joke, and his best friend told him mercilessly that it was lame, but even though he said that, they both still laughed.

But back to our worlds.

Back to Yellow Scarves.

The Scarves never did anything too serious. Sometimes, just so we could say we were gangsters and not just stupid kids playing pretend, we'd go out and vandalize something. Once we tagged Russian Sushi, did you know that?

I felt bad about it and apologized to Simon the next day, though. And I spent the rest of that day washing it all off. They still don't know I snitched, I don't think.

Trying to be someone is hard. It's even harder trying to be someone you're not. Even harder still if the someone you're trying to be is someone you don't like. I learned that really quick, when my world became even brighter - but not because of something good, like the Scarves. Because it was getting more full. Too full, almost.

Around that time, another gang showed up - Blue Squares. You know that group, I know. But you don't know the full story, right? How they kept getting more and more violent. We were all middle schoolers then, but the leader was in the class below me, so I didn't worry too much about them.

Also around that time, there was a girl. I bet you already know it was Saki, even from just that sentence. She was beautiful. She had an amazing voice. She had an even more amazing personality. She never comforted me when I felt hopeless. She just told me to do something about it. And that was always what I needed.

Just a little push to get me started.

And as the Squares got worse,

and worse,

and worse,

Saki introduced me to someone. I won't say his name.

I hate him.

That should be enough.

_I hate him._

Saki always talked about him. No matter what. "He said such and such," or, "He told me this and that," or, "Why don't you do this thing he mentioned?" I always knew it wasn't like he was a threat to us, to our relationship - not in a way that I should be worried he'd steal her from me or anything, at least.

But I was still jealous.

But I did what he said, or what he told her, or what he mentioned. And it all worked out. Because Saki always gave me that extra push, to let me know it was okay, and it couldn't hurt to try...

I hated that he was always right.

I also hated that she looked up to him so much.

I also hated that Saki wasn't there to give me the push when I needed it most.

I won't talk about that.

Because that's the day my world became dark again.

All my friends became acquaintances I avoided.

Saki became someone I was ashamed to face.

He became the one I hated most in the country. In the world.

I was alone again.

So I did it.

I asked you to come to Ikebukuro, because my world couldn't function without yours.

And you said yes.

And every day, I asked you, 'When are you coming?'

And every day, you answered, 'Soon.'

And every day, I thought, 'Soon isn't soon enough.'

Because you weren't here yet.

And I needed you.

Around that time was when I became dormant. Waiting for something to wake me up.

And one day, you said, 'I'm on a train to Ikebukuro' instead of 'Soon'.

And you know what?

I cried that day.

Because you were on your way.

And my world was going to become right again.

And your world was going to be with mine again.

And I wasn't going to be alone anymore.

And I love you.

I cried that day more than I had all the other times I cried put together. But it was because I was happy. I was relieved. I was...

I was...

I'm running out of words.

I can't describe it.

But I knew the moment I felt the tears, things would be okay. Because you'd wipe them away when you got here. And you'd remind me that I don't need Saki. And you'd protect me from him. And from myself. And from the emptiness of my world.

Now you know the story. I don't need to tell you. My hand's getting tired anyway. So I'll skip to now. You don't know what happened after I left again.

You know how I ripped our worlds apart, though. I know you felt it, too. You had to, right? Because they were one when you arrived, and now they're two.

Or maybe they're not two. Maybe they're still one, and they're still with you, and I escaped our world with her because I thought I needed to, to keep you safe. I thought you needed your own world to be happy.

But now I'm lost. I'm truly alone now. Even though I've got Saki, I'm in her world. She's not in mine anymore. I don't have mine. You have mine. You have ours.

I'm not happy.

But I pretend I am.

I left my heart with you again, I think. Because I don't really feel anything.

Remember the day I asked you how it would be if I didn't have a heart? You said it wouldn't be much different.

It's very different. You were wrong, Mikado. You're never wrong, except for on this. It's terrible. I miss my heart. I miss our world. I miss you.

So guess what, Mikado?

I've decided I'm coming home. So our world can be ours again. Is that okay?

I think it's okay.

By the time you read this, I'll be walking to your apartment. So I'll see you in a few minutes. You better be home, or I'll chase you down all over Ikebukuro! Don't think I won't, either!

Your passion, fire, night and heart,

Masaomi Kida


End file.
